In yesterday’s post I arrived at the conclusion that the ultimate reason I am still single is that I am not desperate enough. Fortunately for me, lots of people are desperate on my behalf. It is actually quite normal for someone to give me the following advice in a completely serious manner, “What you need is to get married.” I understand the sentiment but the advice in and of itself is not terribly helpful. It is also quite normal for people to try and fix me up. I have always resisted being fixed up, but no more. I have decided that the worst that could really happen is that I have a bad night. So I have made a decision. If you are reading this and thinking, “I know the perfect girl for you.” Now is your chance.
I am saying yes to all fix-ups. There are at least 3 in my facebook inbox right now that I have made no response to. If you sent me one, you can consider my answer a yes.
Before you fix me up there have to be some ground rules. Most people are not very picky when fixing up somebody else. I’ll make a list of what I am looking for.
Here are the non-negotiables:
- She must be, and have always been, a female
- She must be at least in her late 20s. That is to say, a grownup
- She can’t smoke very much crack
- She must be a Christian. By that I mean regular in church attendance and concerned about God’s will for her life
- She must be single and never married
- She must be willing to go on a date with me
Here are the things that would be nice:
- I am a Southern Baptist minister, so it would be good if she were a Baptist
- If she knows the proper usage of your and you’re and that ur is not a word, that would be a plus.
- It would be good if she was available on Tuesday nights because that is my only free night of the week.
- I know lots of my regular readers are in North Carolina, but it would be good if she were reasonably close to Hopkinsville. I can drive to Murray, or Paducah , or Nashville, or Bowling Green, or even Lexington. However, you would really have to be convincing to get me to go to Atlanta or Raleigh, or Colorado Springs for a blind date.
Here are the rules for you… the fixer upper:
- You may not get upset with me if I’m not interested. I promise not to get upset with you if she’s not interested in me
- You have every right to upset if I am a complete jerk and never call or write her back. To my shame I have done this before
- Don’t fix me up with a total stranger
- Don’t fix me up with someone I already know. If there was a girl I was interested in I would have asked her out already (I learned my lesson about that one a long time ago)
Yesterday I called this my half-baked plan for the future. Now you see why, because that’s it, that’s the plan. You can do the work for me. Just think of all the bragging you can do if things work out.