Rant about my Phone

Every so often I enjoy writing a rant.  It is a good way to take out some anger against some person,  thing, or circumstance.  Back in the fall I wrote a rant about fire ants but I never posted it.  When I'm feeling angry about them later, I will.  The fire ants will never read it, so it doesn't help anyone but me.  Today the object of my ire is my wireless phone.  The LG CU720.  This rant may be slightly tongue in cheek, but the complaints are all very real. Dear LG Shine,

I cannot wait until my contract with you is finished.

I chose you as my current phone because my previous phone, a Sony Erickson,  quit working after 3 years of use.  I was drawn in by the allure  of your shininess.  And you are very shiny. That shine is diminished significantly by a phenomenon that is not your fault, smudges  I should have known that any polished silver phone with a flat glass front would be easy to smudge with fingerprints and face grease, but I guess I was too impressed by the look and your slick sliding format.

I know what you are thinking, CU720, I could greatly reduce the amount of  smudges if I would just use your built in bluetooth and pair it with a headset.  Good thinking, I wish I had thought of that myself.  Oh, I did.  Your bluetooth doesn't work at all.  Maybe once every 75 tries you will pair with a device, but you are too finicky to be useful and I just gave away my headset so that someone would get some use out of it.  Thanks for helping me throw away that $50.

Your lack of bluetooth is made into an even more awesome feature because your speakerphone functionality is so excruciating.  So loud and warped is the sound, that I can hardly understand anybody, and you have such a weak microphone that everyone asks me to repeat everything when you get more than a foot from my mouth.

At least once a day, you turn off when I slide you open.  Do you know how frustrating it is to race to the phone and open it up just in time to find out nobody is there because the phone shut down?  It doesn't matter if I open you gently or with force, it's the same thing.  Regularly you just decide that I apparently don't need to talk to the caller at this time.  Maybe you just need a rest.

Another feature I particularly enjoy is the way your battery goes from fully charged to empty with no warning whatsoever.  I'm sure something like this is going on in your little phone mind.  "What?  I know you just charged me last night, but I'm jonesing for some more of that sweet, sweet electricity.  Come on, if you don't plug me up right now, I will bleep at you every 15 seconds until the battery is fully discharged even quicker.  I know I said I had a full battery just 10 minutes ago, but I NEED that electricity."  Unfortunately I have no choice but to indulge your addiction.

Any time I'm in a different part of the country the internet is hit and miss.  I suspect this is actually AT&Ts fault, but when you say you are on 3G, I should at least be able to check my gmail.

Finally, your camera is an utter piece of garbage.  Just thought your should know.

Sincerely, An unhappy customer